Thursday, April 19, 2012
Whether you like it or not, the fact is if you’re a student here in the WSoB you spend way too much time eating and socializing in the Capital Café. So after some intense investigation, we’ve uncovered truths that you may have originally dismissed as rumors that can hopefully improve your Grainger Café experience.
- You thought you were overpaying for a $2.95 bag of semi – firm grapes? More like underpaying! These grapes have been specially altered to increase blood flow to the brain and stimulate the portion that allows you to successfully stay awake during your 9:30 power lecture.
- Remember back to your tour of Madison when you were in high school and the guide told you that Helen C. White is the number one place on campus to meet your future spouse? Well that must be false. It is for SURE the Capital Café. Singles flock to this place like a group of starving hyenas at feeding time literally sitting and waiting to ask you about your huge signing bonus.
- Move over In-n-Out burger. Animal Style? Pshhhh. Next time you order the sweet potato fries, ask for them “Grainger Style.” What is that you ask? Your fries come topped with a hot and gooey side of personalized business cards and additional problem sets. It’s like heaven for your taste buds.
- I know you’re not in the Business school. How? I see you fiddling around up at the water machine for 3 minutes until a line forms behind you six people deep. They teach you the proper way to use the water machine at your WSoB orientation. Literally on day one. #GraingerProblems
- Breakfast stops at 10:30 and lunch doesn’t start until 11:30. What to do in the meantime? Not a premade sandwich… Next time ask to see the brunch menu. It’ll blow your mind.
- Are you in a fraternity? Or maybe you joined a sorority. Either way, contact the Capital Café to cater your next formal in the Executive Dining Room! Ask for the special “Greek Menu” and stay classy. Nothing says I’m the [wo]man like going Greek with Grainger. Black-Tie not optional.
- Last year US News released their rankings for B-school lunches nationwide. Here’s how we ranked:
- Turkey Club Med – 3rd in the “best overall sandwich” category (Damn that UPenn Philly Cheese steak!)
- Outstanding In Your Field Salad – 1st in the “salad” category (Take that! Kelley Cobb Salad).
- Investment Club – 5th in the “cold sandwich” category
- Santa Fe Chicken with a side of Mac – n – Cheese – 10th in the “best overall meal” category
- You know how each trash bin describes what you’re supposed to put into that one? Sustainability study right? Wrong. Global Warming is real and every time you put your to – go box (even though you knew you were eating in the café) in the wrong place, California slips just a little further into the Pacific. The bins are there for a reason people, take a minute to look before you trash. Geez.
- I bet you think you’re real smooth because you can walk out without paying for your meal, right? “Oh yeah I already paid for this, I was just waiting for them to make it.” HA! Pulled a fast one did ya? No chance. Check your next tuition bill. They go through the videotape every day and add the $5.54 you stole onto your payment to the University. Don’t even get me started on the switching out the bag of chips trick. I see you and I’m judging you for it.
- 10. Having trouble finding space in one of the oh-so-comfortable booths in the café? Well turns out that’s because you didn’t know you had to make a VIP reservation at least a week in advance. Getting a reservation here is tougher than trying to get you and your entire family into Johnny Delmonico’s on graduation weekend. B-Schooler’s know this because the website to make reservations is found in the same place we go to apply for admission to the Undergraduate Lounge. Yes, this place actually exists and yes you have to apply. A short phone interview followed by some on campus interviews, no biggie.
So, I shouldn’t have to add this next part, but just to make sure I’m allowed to graduate: This list is completely satirical. (Or is it?)
In all seriousness, the WSoB hit the jackpot building the Capital Café. The person who designed it must have graduated from our Real Estate Department (WWGD: What Would Graaskamp Do). I’m sure I could ask Professor Mucklow to crunch the numbers for me, but I swear to you that the return on this investment must be through the roof (figuratively). For all the complaints I may or may not have, I still eat at the Capital Café 4.5 times a week. The food is great and you can’t beat the convenience.
Now if only I could be the mayor on foursquare…
I’d like to give a special thanks to Mr. Real Estate, Norm Glazer, for his contribution to this article. The countless hours of research, investigation and fact – checking wouldn’t have been possible without his help.
Alex is a senior majoring in Real Estate and Finance. To comment on his post or this satire, please check out the myBiz Facebook page or email email@example.com